Shallow Anxiety
by xXxSaTiSfAcTiOnxXx
Summary: John and Karkat take the next step in their relationship on John's 18th birthday. But somethings wrong and John isn't as okay with it as he originally thought. Is his past a key to this? Changing POV, Rating changed/Sensitive topics.
1. Chapter 1

It was your first time. It was strange really, more of an awkward shuffling of limbs in a pleasureful movement. You're not going to lie, it felt really really good! Karkat always made you feel safe, special, handsome…

You both exchanged favors. Fingers wandered and body parts licked and sucked red. Words spoken in breathless hushed whispers. It was everything you ever dreamed of and more. The night you turned 18 you decided you where ready. You two had talked about it for a long time before you actually took affirmative to say it's okay. You let him touch you down there for the first time that night. Right before you took the next step and… yeah.

You barely touched him as much as you wanted to, his main focus was on you and you alone.

He made you feel really special. But, still you feel weird about it.

Today you saw him and you had no desire to talk to him, or even look at him. You didn't want to touch him when you walked to town together. You pulled away first whenever you kissed. You felt wrong. Weird. You didn't want to be alone with him.

But even later on with your group of friends. He would scowl and joke around like usual, wrapping his arms around you. Still, you felt uncomfortable. You tried to move away. He noticed.

He soon got worried, he constantly asked if you where okay and you would nod. But you weren't. You where sick to your stomach. Every time you looked at him your stomach would churn and your heart would skip a beat.

You had to call your dad to come and get you.

"D-dad" you hiccup softly and hold your stomach tightly with one hand. "D-dad can you c-come and get me… I-I don't feel so good…must h-have been something I ate… o-okay see you soon…" Karkat sits concerned next to you as you bend over the toilet of the restaurant and lose your lunch. He rubs your back carefully and it just makes your stomach clench tighter. "P-please don't touch me…" you shake as you speak the words, and he nods. "Understandable. Do you want me to get your stuff ready for you?" he mumbles and stands up carefully. You nod and cough a bit, dry heaving as he walks out of the bathroom.

The second he's gone you feel relief. And slowly you flush the toilet and begin to cry. You don't even want to look your own boyfriend in the eyes…

You close your eyes for a minute, thinking about that night with him. His hands on your hips, eyes locked. Lips close enough to touch, but don't, not yet. He smiles those kind of smiles he only smiles for you and holds your naked body close to his. You are absolutely in love. His skin feels so smooth so good against you. Then how come when he touches you now it's so….strange. You open your eyes and clench your teeth together to keep from vomiting again, letting tears fall gently down your face.

"John, your dad's here… wait are you crying?" Karkat bends down and lifts your bangs out of your face a bit. You shake your head and cough away tears. "N-no my stomach just hurts really bad. I'm sorry I ruined the night. I'm just pretty sick is all." You stand shakily and give him a fake smile. He smiles back and kisses your cheek.

Your stomach flips and churns roughly.

"I love you." He whispers.

You nod and wipe your face franticly, taking your bags.

"Thank you, Karkat. Goodnight." He nods and watches you walk out and into your dad's car.

"You okay bud?" your dad automatically puts a hand to your forehead. "Yeah dad I'm fine can we just go home…"

**(A/n- Well this is chapter one. I don't know where the idea really came from but I just went with the writing mood. I really hope you enjoy it. It won't be too long I hope… Please review? It would be nice to have some outlook on this.)**

**I**

**I**

**I**

**V**


	2. Chapter 2

Currently your dad is sitting at the foot of your bed, watching you carefully as you shiver and turn restlessly.

He refuses to leave your side. And your perfectly okay with that. You just don't want to be alone.

Honestly, you don't know why you feel this way all of a sudden. Whenever you see Karkat you get so… uncomfortable.

What a way to see the love of your life. As someone you can't even look at without getting sick. How horrible. You don't remember feeling uncomfortable when the actual sex was happening. He was a gentleman; he waited for you to be alright with everything he was doing. He constantly apologized for hurting you, even if he didn't hurt you the slightest bit. It was beautiful, you made love.

But why does it feel so wrong?

"Did something happen?" your dad questions worriedly, watching your facial expressions soften with your thoughts. You shake your head, talking makes you nauseous. He nods a bit unsure before patting your leg. "Alrighty, sport I gotta get to work. Call if you need anything. Love you." He murmurs and you nod tiredly as he walks out of the room. You move on your side and notice your phone blinking and you have enough self control to ignore it.

You didn't feel like talking to anyone right now. You feel horrible. You feel lonely.

You feel….discusting.

And you really wish you didn't feel this way.

Suddenly your phone rings off the hook and you answer it shakily. "Hello?"

"John? Fuck, finally why aren't you answering my texts? I'm worried about you."

Your stomach flips violently.

"I-I'm fine. I'm just a bit sick is all. I'll be better tomorrow okay?"

"Fuck no I'm not waiting until tomorrow to see you. I'm gonna come over okay? I'll see you in a few"

"Wai-" the phone hangs up before you can protest.

Fuck! Slowly you make your way out of bed and dress yourself. You won't match but he won't care. Your stomach churns just at the thought of him.

Slowly you make your way to the couch and lean all of your body weight on it. Fuck fuck fuck…

Suddenly he bursts through the door, a large bag from the local pharmacy hanging from his arm. "John I didn't know how you felt so I just bought anything I found I… I don't know much about sickness so anything with stomach relief on it I got." He walks over to you and tips up your chin. Your stomach calms down a bit when you look at his worry and you don't know why. You giggle halfheartedly and put your hands on his shoulders. "I'm fine, calm down." And he wraps his arms around you. "I'm fucking worried about you…" his voice is a bit harsher then he probably intended but you just lay your head on his shoulder. "I'm… just sick… C-can I sit down please?" you tried and pull away. He lets you and you sit down.

He sits down with you and you shudder.

"K-karkat…" you murmur and he pulls you close to him. "Karkat…" you say again and he looks at you. Suddenly you take a shaky breath and grab at his shirt, hysterically crying. You want to talk to him about it, you want to tell him how you feel but you cant. What if he was put off by it? It's not normal to feel like this after sex...

Isn't sex supposed to be a beautiful magical night? Not such an uncomfortable memory. You don't want to have to remember your first time like this…

"Ah shit… uh… shoosh i-it's okay. I don't know what to do…" Karkat moves nervously and rubs your back.

"K-Karkat I-I just… I feel so horrible…." You lie, badly. But your crying convinces him that you're not. He nods and kisses your forehead.

"Is something bothering you? You seem anxious… anxiety makes sickness worse… Do you want to talk about something?" he tries his best to keep his words soothing and monotonous. You shake your head. You wish you hadn't.

"John you can tell me anything… what kind of a boyfriend would I be if you couldn't fucking talk to me…" he smiles unsurely as you keep shaking your head.

"I'm fine really, Karkat. I'm just sick. B-but thank you." You're sure to kiss him quickly, but you're sure it soothes him at least a little bit.

"You know I love you right?" he assures you and you nod.

"I love you too."

You don't know how you feel right now, your stomach has settled but you're still worried. Worried about him, you together, everything.

You're literally worrying yourself sick.

**(A/n- I know John getting sick is a little confusing. I can clear it up a bit here. Sex is very emotional, and some people don't handle it well. Anxiety is a cause of this sometimes, you can be completely okay with having sex but not realizing that you where not emotionally ready. Afterwards you could find it awkward and different to be around that person for the one fear that it will happen again. So technically long story short, John was not emotionally ready for sex and now his anxiety is over the top bad. Sometimes things that happen bother you to the point where you feel bad so your body feels bad.**

**I'm slowly working up to a point in the story where it shows why he is so anxious about sex, and preferably I'll change the rating when that point in the story comes up. But I hope you enjoyed this chapter and if you want to please review!)**


	3. Chapter 3

Your name is **Karkat Vantas**, and you are most possibly the shittiest boyfriend ever.

You sit and hold your hysterical boyfriend as he crys. You feel terrible.

Not only do you know that it's not only the sickness that's making him like this, you don't even know what to do…

Soon he falls asleep in your arms, eyes closed with worry as dried tears stain his face. You keep pulling his hair out of his eyes and kissing his forehead desperately. To try and get any sense of emotion out of him.

Suddenly his father walks in the door and looks carefully at you, smiling. "Hello." He says in a hushed whisper, putting down his things. You nod nervously and rub John's shoulder. "He fall asleep? Need help getting him in his room?" he takes off his jacket and walks over. "Uh yeah sure."

You quickly and carefully pull him into his dads lap, watching as he carries him into his room. You always admired John's dad. He was so great to John, taught him everything he knew and more. You constantly thank god that he had such support behind him. Good background and a good pair of genes you know he was raised as perfect a life as he could get.

You feel a hand on your back and smiles down at you. "Hey son, how was he doing?" you shrug as he sits next to you and sighs a bit.

"Can I ask you something, sport?" he asks and you bite your lip and nod again. "Have you and John… done…. It yet… I mean don't be offended or anything I'm just curious because you two are 18…" he talks smoothly and a bit nervously. "Oh… uh no of course not." You lie. You don't need to be the only one to tell your boyfriends dad you slept together. You shouldn't say anything without John being present. "Alright. Well would you mind if I told you something that I prefer you not tell John. After all, you deserve to know."

"Oh yes of course…"You answer and he moves a little closer to you. "When John was young he was…" he pauses a minute and it's the first time you've seen a man look like he was going to break down. He takes a deep breath and continues. "…sexually abused by his preschool teacher… we didn't find out until years after when the man was arrested for the molestations of many other children. We never told John about it, because he never remembered. He kept to himself for a long time after that, until high school when he became friends with that Dave figure. From what John's told me he's always been put off from sex. With girls or boys. He was never interested in it and never found much need for it. You see son, this is why I asked. John having sex could possibly bring back bad feelings. Discusting feelings that he can't help but feel after his younger years. It would never be you, you could never do anything wrong towards him. I trust you with my son, Karkat, don't make me regret it…" he waves a finger at you and you nod, nervously clutching the couch cushion. "But my boy could never fully heal from something like that…"

His words send shivers down your spine. What did you do? John told you he was ready… you where fucking stupid to believe him. Oh god. John…

"I just want you to know. Please don't tell my son. He could never be able to live with himself." He pleads and you bite your lip.

"My god I'd never…" you shudder and try to hold your emotions back. All you want to do is hold John and tell him how much he means to you. You wouldn't care if you never had sex again you just want John to be okay…

…

Your name is **John **again, and you're in the hallway listening to your father talk.

You can't believe your ears.

**(A/n- I have a lot a lot of ideas for chapters. The next chapter will change the rating… I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Review my lovies! )**


	4. Chapter 4

So much for getting a glass of water.

What… did you just hear…

Slowly you move back to your dark room (careful enough to make sure your dad doesn't hear the creaking of the floor on your way back), only a glimmer of sunset shining through the dark curtains. You sit down and suddenly start hysterical crying again. Hands find their way to your face, rubbing furiously to try and keep the tears away. "It's okay, John. It's okay…" you try and reassure yourself. But it's actually not. You know it's not okay. It's not going to be okay. "Don't cry…" you whimper into your hands and grit your teeth. "D-don't cry…"

You hate this. How… how did something like this happen? Why you? What did you do?

Tears keep flowing from your eyes, and your hands eventually give up along with the will to sit up. You lay crying, limbs shaking on the bed for a while.

You feel discusting. Every part of your body. Knowing Karkat wasn't… the first one to touch you like that…

You where dirty before him.

You weren't able to give him yourself fully because someone had already TAKEN that from you. Taken every sense of intimacy that you could ever possibly feel. Taken your innocence and stolen your pride. Is there anything even left of you now? You don't think so. Softly you move off of your bed and force yourself to stand in front of your mirror. Look at yourself. Your hands travel down your shoulders and to your chest, examining carefully. You're… discusting. You dig your nails into your own skin as your knees shake. But you keep staring at yourself, trying to find anything. Anything.

Your fingers run graciously over your hips and you shiver. Closing your eyes to memories you never wanted to see.

"_Just close your eyes Johnny it's fine. I'm gonna take care of you. You're my favorite you know, out of all the other little boys and girls. They don't understand yet, you're a very smart little boy…"_

Your hands claw and scratch your hips roughly. No. no no no…

"_Good boy Johnny. Good. You know I wouldn't hurt you right? Your very mature. Do you know what that means?"_

Suddenly the fall to the ground again, and slam your head against the mirror. "No. No it's not true…" but the boy in your heart nods because you know it is. You know it's true…

Slowly you lift up the sleeve of your shirt and scratch your wrists hard, barely breaking skin as the itching begins to sting. You stop and curse under your breath, pulling down your sleeve and grabbing at it in agonizing pain. "A-ah…" You begin crying again and bash your head against the mirror again.

"John. John are you okay?" your boyfriend is next to you, kneeling down and grabbing your hands away from your stomach. You feel the sudden need to be close to him, hold him, love him. "I-I'm so sorry Karkat!" you cry desperately, wrapping your arms around his neck and clinging close to him.

"Fuck… John don't cry…" he tries to sooth you and rub your back but you just keep crying, digging your nails into the fabric of his shirt and shaking. You love him. You love him so fucking much… You want him to love you too. As much as you love him.

"Karkat? C-can you please stay here tonight…with me… in my bed…" You feel the need to elaborate; usually your sleep overs consist of him in a sleeping bag and you in your bed but not tonight. Tonight you want him to hold you throughout the whole night…

He nods and helps you up, holding you tightly as you walk back to your bed and lay down and he crawls in next to you. "John… I don't want to have sex…anymore…" you hear him strain a bit on the way out and you sniff. "What? Why was I bad? I'm sorry…"

"No. You where fucking amazing I just. I don't think you're ready for what I'm ready for. I won't do anything you're not okay with and if sex is one of them…"

"Karkat." You stop him and rub his cheek. "It's not you, Karkat. It was amazing...M-maybe I'm just not ready yet… I… I'm glad you… where my first, though." You hug him tighter and squeeze your eyes shut. You hate that you feel like you just lied to him and you feel him wince.

You know he knows.

"John I…" his hands find your hips and wraps his arms around you quickly. You look up at him and bite your tongue. "I love you, so fucking much sometimes I can't stand it. I can't think I can't sleep I can't BREATHE without knowing your okay." He whispers and you close your eyes and listen to his words. So soothing and warming. "I love you too Karkat…"

Your wrist stings until the second you fall asleep, but it feels good… really good. You deserved it.

And that thought scares you to death.

**(A/n- Hey guys. I really appreciate all your reviews and support it means a lot to me. I'm really interested in this story and hopefully I'll be updating regularly, which is usually every night at around 11 oclock. If not it will come the next morning. Keep on with the beautiful reviews guys, you really rock!)**


	5. Chapter 5

You are** Karkat**, again.

Tangled in your boyfriends embrace was probably the best place to be right now. His cute expressions tweaked and twitched as he slept. He was beautiful.

Of course you couldn't sleep. But just sitting up and watching him is just as good. This is a conclusion you often come to. When you're around him you're different. You're not angry. You're really happy, you guess. That night you two spent together was one of the most romantic things you've ever done with him. You felt so close, so special. You were going to miss that, honestly. It was easier to express emotion though sex.

Expecially with him, every little spoken 'I love you' and every little twitch of the hip really meant something. Shouldn't it have? It did. It meant the world to you. He means the world to you. But even so, you still get mad at him. You're mad because you didn't know anything before you did something so big with him. You're mad because you caused this outbreak in him and it's your entire fault.

You're mad that someone took advantage of him. You could kill. You want to kill.

Fuck that man. Fuck him to hell, how fucking dare he do that to your John. He is yours. Fuck you're so pissed you can't even think anymore. You hope that man rotted in hell. John shifts a bit and nuzzles farther into your neck, murmuring little words that could never make their way into sentences. Words you long to hear. Words other than your own name and the words 'I'm sorry'. That's all he seems to say anymore.

You examine the way his eyes flicker under his eyelids and you wonder what he's dreaming about. You hope to god he's okay. Your eyes weigh a ton but you fight to keep them open.

He shifts a bit and opens his light blue eyes for a few seconds, smiling at you. "Karkat you're still here…" you mentally kick him and just smile back nervously. "Of course."

He shrugs and nuzzles you close. "Well it's about time you gave me some forever cuddles." He smiles and closes his eyes again. "Forever cuddles?" you question a bit dumbfounded. "Forever cuddles. You cuddle even after we fall asleep. You don't leave when I fall asleep. Forever cuddles." He smiles rather drunkly and makes a small satisfied sound.

You can't help but laugh. "Go back to sleep, idiot." His hand travels to your lips and his fingers tap anxiously. "I want to stay up with you." his eyes flutter, tired and red from aggravation. You feel his sweating from under you and he feels a little hot. You pull the blankets away from him and kiss his forehead.

"God your fucking burning up" you get up and peel his shirt off, turning on the fan in his room to cool him down. "Karkat how dirty" he smiles and wraps his arms around your neck. "John quit fucking around you're hot." You freak out a little bit on the inside, trying to keep a calm façade on the outside.

"Thank you, Karkat. You're not too bad yourself." He moves his hips up and licks his lips. Fuck…

"John this is no time to be… John what are you doing?" his hands fumble at the hem of your shirt. What has gotten into him? He must be dehydrated or something that's making him act like this…

"Mmm Karkat fuck me please." He murmurs and you bite down hard on your lip, hands aching to just take him now. Touch him, feel him…

"John I'm gonna punch you in the face…" you warn him and he keeps moving, squirming in every possible way to rub his crotch against yours and it's driving you fucking nuts. He bites his lip with that cute overbite and you just can't. You grab his hips and pull him up towards you, dry fucking him hard. "Ah!" he moans softly, hands tightening their grip on your neck. Your lips travel despritly to his neck and suck hard. "Karkat… k-karkat…" He chuckles and pulls your lips from your neck. You whine in protest and kiss his neck again. "Kar-mm… Karkat…" he calls your name but your too lost in his being to listen.

"Ahhh yes…" he moans as you rub your hand on the front of his jeans and you even let out a surprised gasp. "Mnngh…" his noises only increase in volume every second until your fingers fiddle with the buttons of his pants and pop them open. You reach your hand in and firmly grab him, stroking softly. "Mmm…" he murmurs and grabs onto your hair, rocking his hips with the motions of your palm against him.

You remain like that, watching his chest heave. Quickly at times when your wrist flicks faster. At times his eyes would squeeze closed tighter and his back would arch towards you. His legs shake and you would enjoy every little movement he made against you. Soon his panting became quick paced and hard, moans being destroyed by hard kisses until he hits his climax and dirties up your hand and the front of his pants.

And then you wake up. You pant heavily and look down at your sleeping boyfriend as you sit up and wipe the sweat off your forehead. What?... He never woke up to kiss you, he never asked you to fuck him, he never woke up to begin with. It was all a fucking dream. Wait…

Did you just… have a wet dream about your boyfriend?...

You look down at your boxers and groan. Well, fuck…

**(A/n- this is my last chapter of the week! I'm going upstate for a bit, pretties! Thank you for all the support on this story! Until Monday, darlings!)**


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